Tidy bowels
The U.S. Air Force is developing underwear that cleans itself. Once this moves into the general population, Sysm family conferences like these will be a thing of the past:
Me: "Mighty Sysmidgets assemble!"
Sysmidgets assemble. Grumbling. Kicking. Making opera singing voices.
Me: Gentlemidgets. We are going to have one of our monotonous, semi-regular discussions about self-hygiene, the lack thereof, and its deleterious effects on you. It has come to my attention, again, that your collective consumption of toilet paper is dramatically below statistical averages. I know that you defecate. You leave ample evidence to substantiate that fact. But these same instances that provide proof of your ability to eliminate solid waste also display your reluctance to use generally-accepted sanitation methods. To wit, there is scant evidence of self-cleaning activity using the convenient and apparently untouched roll of toilet paper.
Please understand that though the human body represents the current apex of our species' development through natural selection, it has not yet achieved, and is unlikely to develop over the next thousand generations, a self-cleaning anus. Your failure to comply with the accepted norms results in a laundry situation that is simply untenable. The American people, including your mother and father, will not stand for this. It is simply unacceptable. We demand that you take immediate corrective action. And, in the spirit of "trust, but verify," we will begin a random spot-check procedure to dust your hands for traces of Charmin pillowy freshness.While looking for an appropriate picture to go along with this post, I first went to the Wikipedia entry for Underoos, which directly linked to here. OMRD (Oh my Richard Dawkins) that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Who, in the name of fuck, would go to a page filled with boys' underwear, other than members of the clergy and scoutmasters? I felt like Pete Townsend, doing "research". Ewww. Just -- ewww.
This entry was posted
on Thursday, January 11, 2007 at 9:18 PM.
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11:27 PMI got a headache from squinting at that tiny print.
You came up for the Underoos search because of the Wonder Woman Underoos post, no? You're famous!
Boys are gross. Perhaps you should install a bidet.
12:04 AM
HAHA
that made me laugh beyond belief and hope I never have boys.
7:29 AM
At least with boys, you don't have to worry about someone knocking them up.
Not unless something drastic happens, you know, biology wise.
8:27 AM
I saw this somewhere and I just dont think I approve. I just dont approve.
I mean, there is no substitute for a good ass wipe. No matter what they invent, no matter how hard we try to make life with laziness comfortable...I insist that we hold our ground on this.
REJECT the ass fabric. It offers only empty promises, tough questions from preschoolers (where does the crap go, mom?) and besides... if the government develops it that means it wont work anyway. Im old and blind so I dont even know what the small print says.
9:30 AM
You may find something besides Charmin on their hands.
Maybe you should try those flushable wipes?
10:18 AM
This is a scene that should be committed to film - I see Steve Martin playing Sysm. Parenthood 2 perhaps? No Ronnie Howard direction this time - lets sign the Farrelly Brothers.
10:22 AM
Girls are stinky too. Our younger refuses to flush, so everyone "finds" the evidence. And often there is a only a single square in there.
1:46 PM
The truly scary part is, after they've been in the bathroom for a while, hearing them sing:
"Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of poo."
Tits - Boys are gross. They grow out of it. At age 50.
Knitty Kitty - From what I've heard, girls poop, too.
Nick - From my years in the service industry, women are much more disgusting in public bathrooms than men.
Lily - Hello, and welcome. My dog keeps better personal hygiene than my kids.
Ubie - They prefer flushing wash cloths, bath toys, and coins.
rewhatever - John Woo would be more apt. Or John Waters, if it's "Showtune Day."
Dilf - Sounds like UberYounger is both enviro-friendly and groundbreaking in her adoption of toily-doilies.
Terasita - I try to use words with fewer than eight syllables. But they'll say things like, "Onomatopoeia! And poop!"
2:09 PM
self cleaning underwear sounds like a lazyperson excuse.
pride in wiping!
2:14 PM
re: your small print. Just wait til you're the number one search for "self-cleaning anus."
11:52 AM
SELF-CLEANING ANUS!
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