Let me tell you an aggravating and entirely disappointing story. When I was young I used to read The Hardy Boys novels, and Encyclopedia Brown… and Nancy Drew. I’m not ashamed of it, I like a good mystery; what can I say? When I first saw that they were making a Nancy Drew movie, I thought it would be cool to see it, but it would have to be a renter because if I went to it alone I would probably come across as a ChoMo and I’m certainly not going to ask my friends to go see it with me. So that was that, it wasn’t one of the few movies that I would break my personal ban on movie theaters for (Harry Potter, Transformers) and I wasn’t going to lose any sleep over waiting on it to drop on DVD.

So, last night my best friend Grant calls me at around 5:30 and tells me that his son Logan won some raffle at his school’s “graduation” party. It’s just some get-together with the kids and their parents where the first graders get to move on to second grade and the second graders move on to third etc etc, I don’t really know, we never had anything like that when I was seven. Anyway the prize that Logan had won was 4 tickets to a pre-screening of the Nancy Drew movie and Grant, Sara (his fiancé) and Logan were going to go and Grant called to invite me. I agreed to go under the pretense that we would make fun of the nerdy kids and keep a weather eye for hot moms. I was going to do that anyway but it also gave me an excuse to see the flick and not come off as a creepy bastard.

Those moments of mocking children would be the only enjoyable ones of the night, for the movie was atrocious.

Emma Roberts might as well have been a robot. Her mannequin-like acting had all the subtlety of a cinder block. Of course now I feel compelled to apologize to all cinder blocks and cinder block enthusiasts out there. This movie was pure garbage and if any of the various Carolyn Keenes that worked on the Nancy Drew books over the years were still alive, I would find them and kill them so they wouldn’t have to endure this wretched, nauseating aberration of film.

Seriously, at one point I thought I was going to have to leave the theater out of fear that I might vomit on the row in front of me and there is nothing worse than popcorn and goober vomit. Nothing, that it, except this movie.

I certainly don’t want to ruin this movie for you, were you planning on seeing it, so let me give you a brief list of some of the positives.

- It’s only 99 minutes long
- Chock full of jailbait
- There is a robot in it that is smarter than ¾ of the cast
- Rachel Leigh Cook’s odd sized head

I will let you draw you own conclusions about seeing the movie using the evidence I have given you, but trust me when I say that afterwards you will want to claw the eyes from your own head using whatever remotely sharp utensil is nearby.

This entry was posted on Friday, June 08, 2007 at 9:11 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.