Brooke has suggested that by insulting the progenitor of all power ballads, I am condemning the genre in entirety.

Nothing could be closer to the truth.

Power ballads, best exemplified by the hair metal bands of the 80's and 90's, were the nadir of American popular music. Hair metal was the last bastion for those effeminate, emaciated, coke-bingeing ne'er-do-wells who so dominated the pre-Nirvana, pre-grunge airwaves. Lita Ford was the manliest of them all.

Power ballads were the language hair metal bands used to lie to us. "Musicians" in hair metal bands were opportunists, cads and bounders. Much like the Freemasons, hair metal bands had an elaborate system of symbols and codes, meant to be decipherable only to fellow practitioners. They thought their subterfuge impenetrable to laymen. But laymen, having the advantage of educations beyond the average hair metal participant (sixth grade) found the symbology easily decoded simply by viewing their videos while sober.

Cracking the code, here are a list of lies in the hair metal power ballad canon:

1. I could totally see myself living right here in Beloit, Wisconsin.
2. That's not herpes, I got hit in the lip with a flying drumstick.
3. I just want to video tape this so you can see how beautiful you are.
4. I'm a cowboy. On a steel horse I ride.
5. When I sing, I'm only singing to you.
6. I'm investing my money because I know my career will be short-lived and I'll be working for my sister's real estate company in 10 years.
7. Chinese Democracy will be out any day now.
8. "The Surreal Life" is so beneath me. I'm just doing it as a lark.
9. Those stadium shows were not for me. I always dreamed of playing the county fair circuit.
10. When we get married, I want you to wear that half shirt.


The only true statement ever uttered in a metal ballad is the rather shocking fact that thorns are an integral part of each rose. Who knew?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 17, 2007 at 9:50 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.