For someone almost completely devoid of spirituality, I'm really weird about wakes. You just have to go. It's not optional. If the person knew your name, you go. Funerals are only slightly less de rigeur.

I've been to three wakes and two funerals in the past week and a half.

Wake #1 was for a business acquaintance. He was in his late 50's, and he died after a long struggle with cancer. He was a well-loved man, and the place was very full. The queue to say condolences to the family was quite long. I stood there for at least 15 minutes. Not knowing anyone in the family, I was waiting to offer my condolences. There was a group of guys about my age ahead of me in the line. As I got to the head of the line, and was about to introduce myself to his wife, her gaze swiveled right past me to the people right behind me. Obviously, they were people she knew. And she must have assumed that I was a tag-along to the group ahead of me. But I felt pretty stupid. I lingered for maybe five seconds, and walked away. In that five seconds, I thought, "Hey, I drove in to work today, paid for parking, drove 20 miles to get here, stood in line so it wouldn't be awkward that a complete stranger is viewing the casket, and spent time away from my family, and I don't even get to offer a handshake?"

But, who the fuck cares, right? It was a very mild "Curb Your Enthusiasm" moment.

Wake #2 was for my Uncle Mike. My Mom's baby brother. He had spent the day hanging out with my Uncle John and one of his friends on John's boat. They'd stayed docked, as the skies were pretty threatening. As they were walking back to their cars, Mike stopped to light a cigarette. He collapsed. Landing head first on the pavement. My Uncle and his friend tried CPR, but he was dead before he reached the hospital. My Uncle Mike lived alone. He was 58 years old. Six foot seven. Heart attack. The funeral came and went. We've been cleaning out his condo ever since. Mostly trips to the dumpster. My parents are hell-bent on throwing away (or giving away) everything in there. Just to be done with it. We came across a Lionel train set from the 40's. They asked if I wanted it for the Sysmidgets, and I said no. It was headed for the dumpster. But I said, "I don't care if we get any money for this, but there are people who love this stuff." We brought it to a train hobby shop, and they actually gave us a pretty good price for the stuff.

On Saturday, I was pitching an old broken TV in the dumpster. A 70-ish woman saw me and said, "Is that TV any good?"

"Not anymore, for sure. No. It was shot. But we have another one upstairs if you want it."

So I carried the TV up to her floor. My Dad told her that she could have furniture, too, if she wanted it. She said she didn't need any, but her grandson had just graduated from college, and had an apartment to furnish. She looked at me and asked, "what school do you go to?"

Old people crack me up.

This is a groovy Fifties kitchen table. Somebody has to want this thing, don't you think

Wake #3 was for my wife's Aunt. Alzheimer's. This leaves my Mother-in-Law as the last one alive from her and my Father-in-Law's generation. I am closer to her than I am to my own Mother. My Aunt's grandchildren (all in their teens and 20's) served as pallbearers. One of the girls was wearing a very somber, skin-tight black body suit, baring a considerable amount of mid-riff. Her husband was quite handsome, with his dead-eye, "Only pussies show emotion" glare. The only sign of heart from this guy was her name tattooed on his neck. They have two kids, named Jaden and Jasmine. WTF? One of my wife's cousins is a deacon in his church. This gave him license to take an overly long, awful Catholic rite, and stretch it another 50 minutes. Captive audience. I was borrowing that dead-eye stare after awhile.

My wife and I agreed. We don't care who dies this weekend. We're not going to a funeral.

My Dad and I were driving by a gas station, and he was noticing the rapidly falling price of a gallon of gas. I said, "I would think the oil companies would prefer a Republican congress to a Democratic one."

Apparently, my cynicism is widely held. According to a story in the USA Today:

According to a new Gallup poll, 42% of respondents agreed with the statement that the Bush administration "deliberately manipulated the price of gasoline so that it would decrease before this fall's elections." Fifty-three percent of those surveyed did not believe the conspiracy theory; 5% said they had no opinion.

I doubt that the Administration has had a direct, controlling hand in price-fixing. But the oil industry clearly knows who their friends are. Fuckers.

Dear China,

I am so sorry. I promise, neither I nor any members of my immediate family had anything to do with this.

Yours,

Sysm

Thank you Ubie, Nick, Kendra, Tits and Brooke for your disturbing, somewhat nasty birthday wishes.

With sincere apologies to Adam Hughes! and Adobe Systems.

Hey kids, what time is it? Link dump time!

Thank God that the Raleigh News & Observer is protecting our families from explicit porn. They had this on Friday's front page:

ADVISORY TO READERS
Today's Life, etc. section includes a photo of a famous fresco by Michelangelo that includes nudity.

I have no such qualms. Instead, enjoy the freakish body image photography of Margot Knight.

ADVISORY TO READERS There may be nipples.

And finally, this week, Colin Powell wrote a letter to Senator John McCain, where the former Secretary of State said that the Bush Administration's unique interpretation of the applicability of the Geneva Convention rules for the treatment of detainees would cause the world "to doubt the moral basis" of the fight against terror and "put our own troops at risk." The Presidents, measured, thoughtful response?

If there's any comparison between the compassion and decency of the American people and the terrorist tactics of extremists, it's flawed logic. It's just — I simply can't accept that. It's unacceptable to think that there's any kind of comparison between the behavior of the United States of America and the action of Islamic extremists who kill innocent women and children to achieve an objective.

But this made me feel much better. Senator Mary Landrieu, on the Senate floor:

In light of the rantings that went on for 30 minutes by two colleagues from the other side, I'd like to state for the record that America is not tired of fighting terrorism; America is tired of the wrongheaded and boneheaded leadership of the Republican party that has sent six and a half billion a month to Iraq while the front line was Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. That led this country to attack Saddam Hussein, when we were attacked by Osama bin Laden. Who captured a man who did not attack the country and let loose a man that did. Americans are tired of boneheaded Republican leadership that alienates our allies when we need them the most. Americans are most certainly tired of leadership that despite documenting mistake after mistake after mistake, even of their own party admitting mistakes, never admit they do anything wrong. That's the kind of leadership Americans are tired of. I'm not going to sit here as a Democrat and let the Republican leadership come to the floor and talk about Democrats not making us safe. They're the ones in charge and Osama bin Laden is still at loose (sic).

From Apropos of Something.

Dr. Sardonic and I tried to go to lunch at Chicago's premier encased meat emporium on Friday. No such luck. They were closed for a vacation. Driving up through Chicago's Lincoln Square neighborhood, we tried to find a restaurant catering to would-be-Bavarianns. The first two we tried weren't open yet. A look of desperation crossed the Doctor's face. Luckily, a quick phone call to Mr. Importantness brought the suggestion to meet him at the Chicago Brauhaus. I'd not been there before. I searched in vain for a shrine to Chicago's Queen of the Yodelers. But there was nothing. She has been forgotten by her people.

Not only were we met by Mr. Importantness, but also by the one, the only Fat, Drunken Cupid. Five liters of German beer on a Friday afternoon were lovely. The pounding headache 3 hours later was not. I went to bed really early.

RIP Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin.

The Sysmidgets and I watch almost as many animal shows as we do mind-numbing anime. We spent yesterday (in the rain) at the Milwaukee Zoo. I think Irwin was extremely foolish with his stunt from last year. But, overall, I've always found his shows surprisingly full of information. You could tune out the persona after a while. The same couldn't be said for Jeff Corwin. He's a total tool.

Doctor Sardonic has recently turned us on to Mark Morrone.