A little dab? Do me.
While I've always been envious of people with OCD's (it's nice to have a special purpose), the closest I've come is my tendency to take a different route to and from a destination. Even if that destination is, say, the restroom.
I wash my hands a lot. Too much, maybe. Of the whole situation. No. I ride public transportation. Door handles, stair railings, escalators, elevator buttons, and whatnot. And though I try to love everybody, I would prefer to carry along traces of mucus and fecal bacteria. Yeah, I'm a prude.
So. Most of my office restroom trips are for hand washing. Or tooth brushing (remember, oral cleanliness is next to oral godliness).
The one problem to all of this (that I choose to admit) is the soap in the dispensers runs out before noon every day. To deal with the run on soap, the maintenance staff has responded by installing motion-activated, electronic soap dispensers.
I'm sure that the cost involved with an electronic device rationing out soap worth fractions of fractions of fractions of a cent will pay for itself within the lifespan of my great grandchildren.
And, costs be damned if they worked worth a damn. Instead, when you put your hands under them, you hear a sound that, I swear, sounds like "spooge". And a tiny little dribble of soap slowly drips into your hand. It looks like the way Dave Small used to pin me down on the playground and let loose and suck back a string of drool that was so horrifying, I later referred to him as the Sword of Damocles.
How little soap comes out? Well, I pictured that, if I were to have a vestigial twin growing out of my hand, there'd be just enough soap to lather the whorl on his li'l noggin.
So, the natural solution is to wave your hands under the thing more than once. Nope. The things were apparently designed by men of a certain age, built in their own image, and they need a little time to ready themselves for an, umm, repeat performance.
But with two basins, side-by-side, I could reach under both of them, and get a more serviceable amount. Spooge right - check. Spooge left - .... It was empty.
Looking in the mirror, I mumbled, "Come. The fuck. On." I'm not going to let Big Soap keep me down. I'm strictly BYOS from now on.
Labels: whatever happened to duck vagina?
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, November 06, 2007 at 9:32 AM.
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10:14 AMSee, I've been having the opposite problem with them. Every time I wash my hands I inadvertently set off The Soap Ejaculator® and have to re-rinse my hands.
But I suppose it's better than the old ones that you had to pump like an old water well just to get a serviceable amount of soap.
11:22 AM
Well, I have man-sized hands.
1:27 PM
Why don't you just keep a bottle of Purell or its generic equivalent in your desk drawer? Then you wouldn't need to keep prancing back and force to the men's room in the first place.
1:28 PM
Diminutive hands are a small price to pay to ensure that my family's blood line is unsoiled by outsiders.
1:32 PM
Just make sure you heed the advice of this article:
"Check the bottle for active ingredients. It might say ethyl alcohol, ethanol, isopropanol or some other variation, and those are all fine. But make sure that whichever of those alcohols is listed, its concentration is between 60 and 95 percent. Less than that isn't enough."
Also: duck vagina
3:07 PM
Well, now I know what I'll be getting you for Christmas.
Also, Spooge! Duck vagina!
4:10 PM
Duck, vagina.
9:19 PM
I like that you enjoy getting spooged.
1:31 PM
The correct procedure for the Soap Ejaculator® is one spooge for each hand then gently caress. Rinse and repeat as necessary.
1:44 PM
Ubie - I don't like Purell and the other hand sanitizers. They burn a little bit.
Nick - unsoiled. unlike your pants.
Ms. McGee - for once, you cleanse the dialog, rather than dirty it. wtf?
Todd - that's just another way of saying "
Limbo, labia!"
ScarHip - A little spooge is like sunshine. If sunshine needed a moist towlette.
Gato - And reversing that sequence of events also yields results. Let that throb in your noggin.
2:23 PM
How about moist toilettes?
4:04 PM
Mmm...throb.
There. Is that better?
5:41 PM
Moist toilettes make my pee hole sting.
8:19 AM
AlGato, if you kept your hands out of your pants, that sort of thing wouldn't happen.
10:26 AM
You know what makes my pee hole sting? Gonorrhea.
3:55 PM
Todd's Gonorrhea makes my pee hole sting, too.
7:22 PM
Pee hole! Jism! Grandma! Snausages!
12:24 AM
We have a soap ejaculator at work, which invariably shoots some in my eye and on my chin. Oh no, wait! that's my boss.
We also have an alcohol dispenser outside the bog which one can clean one's hands with after touching the door handle (in case some dirty freak hasn't washed their hands negating all my cleanliness). Trouble is it's always empty. I really should stop drinking from it.
6:44 AM
WBB is an alcoholic bukkake pervert.
Awesome.
9:11 AM
Duck Vagina!
12:53 PM
Vuck Dagina!
8:36 PM
I've been ducking vagina for years.
New post!
2:30 PM
Off for a week and you can't post?
Ostrich Coochie.
10:27 PM
I hate auto-spooge soap.
12:06 AM
Whatever did happen to duck vagina?
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