Sammy Hagar is one of rock music's elder statesmen. Known as "The Red Rocker," he first gained fame as the vocalist for Montrose. He later enjoyed a successful solo career through the late 1970's and early 1980's, with hit singles including: "There's Only One Way To Rock", "Your Love Is Driving Me Crazy", and "I Can't Drive 55". In the mid 1980's he joined Van Halen, and continued their string of multi-platinum albums, with such songs as "Why Can't This Be Love?", "Finish What You Started" and "Poundcake". Hagar still performs occasionally with Van Halen. He has also toured with former Van Halen vocalist David Lee Roth. In recent years, he has re-focused on his solo career, and has emerged as a successful entrepreneur, with his Cabo Wabo brand tequila.

Ted Nugent is widely known as the "Motor City Madman". First performing with the Amboy Dukes in the 1960's ("Journey to the Center of Your Mind"), and later as a solo artist, with enormous success during the 1970's and 1980's ("Stranglehold", "Dog Eat Dog", "Cat Scratch Fever", "Wango Tango"), and in the 1990's as a member of Damn Yankees! ("High Enough"). Nugent continues to record and tour, and has entered into additional arenas: he is the author of three books, operates several camps for children, served as a spokesman for Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America, D.A.R.E. and MADD. Nugent is a member of the National Rifle Association, a staunch conservative, and a surprisingly engaging speaker.

The readers of youareinmysysm have submitted questions to Hagar and Nugent. We hope you will be entertained, and a bit surprised, by the artists' thoughtfulness, insight and candor.

Sammy: Candor? That's the city that Superman keeps in a bottle, right?

Moving along.

Johnny Pipewrench asks:

Sammy,
I've heard that you used to sing
"I Cant Drive 55" while
banging Eddie VanHalen
in his ass....Is this true?

Sammy: Whoa. Now, stop right there, son. Where I'm living now, in Cabo San Lucas, we want everybody to have a good time. Mas tequila! And I've never been one to judge people based on their lifestyle. I know the whole "Brokeback" thing is the rage, but that's never been my thing. But hey, to each his own. Now, to clear up another misconception about me - I don't live by my lyrics. In fact, I can drive 55. And I do. I have nothing but respect for our boys in blue. And, especially after 9/11, I don't want them wasting their time giving me speeding tickets, which I can pay for a thousand-times over, when they could be spending their time chasing the bad guys. And Eddie? He and I have had our ups and downs, but I genuinely respect the guy. He's had a tough time the past few years. So, rather than bitching about what went wrong, I'll think about the great times, the good music, and all of the fans who've made the last 25 years a blast.

Johnny Pipewrench asks:

Ted,
You are a complete tool....
Any thoughts?

Ted: This is unbelievable! It's like I've landed in "The Planet of the Apes," and I have to teach people to wipe themselves after they shit. I crave the American dream. The American dream is about optimal partying. Not puking and dying -- that's not a party, unless of course "The Osbournes" is your favorite show. The life that God has blessed us with should be celebrated with attentiveness, and goodwill towards utilizing his precious gifts in a responsible fashion. How's that for the Motor City Madman's take on the world around us?

Nick asks:

Dear Sam,

You totally rock and DLR sucks ass. Thank you for rocking hard and making decent tequila. Please send as many free samples of said Tequila to Nick c/o The Sac.

p.s. You rock.

Sammy: Thanks, Nick. I think it is phenomenal, everyone has dreams and stuff and that is just one of the ones that I had no idea it was going to be such an instant success and I know it was the best tequila I ever made in my life; I mean that I had ever tasted in my life but I had no idea that everyone would get it and I am happy about it.

Nick asks:

Dear Ted,

You are a bow-wielding psychopath and you should be euthanized to ensure a Ted-Free future for our children. No one likes you and Detroit sucks, please kill yourself.

Ted: Nick, I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm a fan of the Sac, and you've usually presented a more balanced view of things, particularly when it comes to our Second Amendment rights. I write my books, and my articles for all these publications from the Wall Street Journal to Razor to Deer & Deer Hunting and Bowhunting magazine because I really have the American dream licked. And that's based on discipline, a conscientious aspiration to maximum level of awareness, the application of that observation in celebration of truth and reality that an optimum level of awareness brings. Hence, the bowhunting lifestyle. I don't partake in assembly-line convenience. I don't say that killing things is bad while I hire people to kill things for me. I won't take part in that. And though I salute and have great respect for the farmers of America, because they feed the world, it isn't good enough for me. I want to look the beast in the eye. When I want a dinner, I kill an animal. I don't want to have dinner, and hire somebody to kill 10 billion chickens.

Fritz asks:

Ted: Please open up a restaurant like "Ted's Montanta Grill" and serve lots of deer. Thank You.

Sammy: Your tequila is a little over priced.

That will be all.
Thanks
Fritz

Ted: Fritz, that may happen. Sooner than later. In the meantime, why don't you pick yourself up a copy of "Kill It and Grill It," that I wrote with my beautiful wife, Shemane. It has some of my favorite recipes, like Sweet 'n' Sour Antelope, Pheasant Chow Mein and Bubble Bean Piranha a la Colorado Moose.

Sam: Fritz, I can't believe a pretty girl like you ever has to pay for a drink. Cabo Wabo is a premium tequila. It's priced competitively. I don't think it's priced outrageously, but honestly, I have little control over the markups of regional liquor wholesalers. But how do you put a price on a lifestyle?

Ubermilf asks:

I find you both physically repulsive.

I don't know whether or not you "rock," but frankly that doesn't interest me anyway.

You both look like you need a good de-lousing.

Ted: Is there a question there? Well ma'am, I'm guilty as charged on the de-lousing. When I'm out in the great outdoors, you'll find me bug-bitten, sun-burned, and reveling in all of the glory of God's creation. While I expect that you and your family will have the pasty glow of time spent in front of the TV and in the shopping mall. I'll take the outdoors, good and bad, over your sterilized, politically-correct, adhere-to-the-liberal-party-line world any day of the week. Including Sunday.

Sammy: Over the years, I have lived out the rock & roll fantasy lifestyle - making both my dreams and the dreams of my female fans come true. The fact that one lady in Illinois doesn't find me attractive shouldn't really cause me to break my stride. Oh yeah, unlike Ted, I'm clean as a whistle. It can get pretty hot and humid down here. So I shower at least twice a day.

Al-e-gato asks:

Ted,

I'm making a journey to the center of my mind, what should I pack?

Ted: That's the one song in my forty year career as the "Motor City Madman" that I'm ashamed of. I have busted more hippies' noses than all the narcs in the free world. I hate drug abuse. Well, you know it's the same discipline that taught me to be a good hunter and respect my level of awareness. That's what makes me a good guitar player, and a good husband, and a good father. That level of awareness also told me to turn down the drooling, puking, dying punks with their drugs and their alcohol and tobacco. My idea of fast food is a mallard. I've brought an awful lot of people over to the hunting and the gun side because they see that it's sensible, it's natural, and it's good. And look what venison does to a goofy guitar player from Detroit? I'm going to be 54 this year and if I had any more energy I'd scare you. The hunting community literally is responsible for having more deer, more turkey, more elk, more bison, more mountain lion, more bear, in America now than in over 150 years. Many of those species are higher populations than in recorded history. And with that surplus every year during the national season of harvest my own organization, Ted Nugent and the United Sportsman of America, our camp for kids, safari club international, hunting organizations across this great land, have donated tens of millions -- yes, tens of millions -- of high-protein, pure-venison meals to the homeless shelters and to the food banks. And we won an award from the Salvation Army because our organization, along with other hunting clubs, had donated so many quality meals. And these homeless people need protein and there's no better, more delicious protein in the world than venison.

Racer-X asks:

Ted, my girlfriend Judy Jetson has expressed interest that she would like to have a three-some with herself, me and The Great Kazoo from the Flintstones. I am not a square and would like to make her happy, I just don't know how to approach Kazoo on this as we are pretty good friends. Any advise?

Ted: You used the word "girlfriend", so I'll be a bit more gentle with this. If you had said "wife", I would have crawled right up through the internet and yanked off your dick. Your wife is worthy of your absolute fidelity and devotion. If you're stupid enough to throw that away, than you're unworthy of God's grace. I was a fan of the Flintstones when I was a boy. As a grown man, I think it's kind of stupid to pretend that cartoons are real. Reality is real. But I'll play along. Gazoo is an alien. I'm guessing that you and Miss Jetson are both American citizens. Don't you think you weaken your moral fiber, and by extension, America's moral fiber, when you engage in adulterous acts of sodomy?


Moderator (Sysm):

But Ted, if I were to take the lyrics to "Wango Tango" at face value, aren't you offering instructions for "tossing salad"?

Ted: What a husband and wife do in the privacy of their home, with or without a Maserati or talcum, is no business of the Federal Government. And I'll fight to the death anyone who says otherwise.

Racer-X asks:

Sammy, if a law was passed to have useless musicians put on a space craft and sent to a far away galaxy, do you think you would be able to get along with The Rolling Stones, Genisis, Motley Crue, Megadeath, Bruce Springsteen, Cheryl Crow, Matchbox 20, Mariah Carey, 'n sync, Pink Floyd, Blink 182, Jack Johnson, System of a Down, Greenday, R.E.M., The Black-eyed peas, Pearl Jam, Kurt Cobains useless corps, Michael Jackson, Michael Bolton, Michael McDonald, The Barenaked ladies, All the Lacheys', Jessica and her sister, Train, Death Cab for Cutie, James Blunt, Arctic Monkeys, Avril Lavign, Alicia Keys, The Dave Mathews band, Coldplay, Fiona Apple, Creed and The remaining members of the Greatful Dead during the trip?

Sammy: I don't know a lot of those acts, I'm a bit out of touch with modern music. But I know the biggies. And I have nothing but respect for anybody who puts it all out on the line for their fans. And when I get into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, I'll be proud to have all of these people as my teammates.

One final question from Sysm:

"Are there any other misconceptions that you'd like to clear up"

Sammy: Yeah, when I wrote "That ain't no way to treat the broken hearted", what I meant was, "hearted" rhymed with "started." I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain that to people.

Ted: Here's mine. When I say, "I only eat what I kill", the only exception is pussy.


Bonus audio: Ted asks Sammy a question.

Author's note: Mr. Nugent and Mr. Hagar did not respond to non-existent requests to answer these questions directly. As a result, their responses have been lifted, out-of-context, from other published interviews, or created out of thin air through the craft of "lying." If you feel insulted, or misled, please feel free to ask for a refund.

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 26, 2006 at 11:47 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.