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What the Hell Happened to the Mall(s) of America?


When we take the Sysmidgets out to a show, we need six seats in a row. We opted to take them to see the new Spider-Hyphen-Man movie at 10am on Sunday morning. We were at a theater that's built into one of our nearby shopping malls. I wish I could say it was a religious experience, but regretably, not so much. It was middlin'.

Anyway, we've had so much family togetherness lately, that it was only right that we go out knife shopping. We cut through the mall to get to one of the anchor department stores. Good thing they have anchors, because there wasn't a damned thing left other than that. The mall was at least 50% vacant. And easily half of the stores that were left looked like they were renting out space on a month-to-month (week-to-week?) basis.

Mind you, this mall is in one of the nicer nearby communities. There is a huge commercial district, with your typical strip malls of every shop imaginable. Those off-mall places are thriving. They're building new ones, left and right. But the mall is clearly on the way out.

I wonder why?

Is it because folks would rather drive from strip mall to strip mall, rather than walk a 1/4 mile through the mall?

Or is it because this is the kind of shit you find there:



Yep. A Korn purse. I'm sure that's just the accessory item one would need to impress the judge in family court.

Or, say, how 'bout this lovely piece for over the mantle:



That's Tony Soprano, Scarface, De Niro in "Casino", Don Corleone, and Captain Jack Sparrow(!). In the background, I can make out Tupac, the Rat Pack, Biggie, Elvis, Brando. This is the single ultimate celebrity painting in the entire history of totally awesome celebrity paintings.

Duck Vagina

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This entry was posted on Sunday, May 06, 2007 at 8:56 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.

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6:26 PM

Perhaps all they need to do is to put bars in Malls so people can put a nice buzz on and make impulse buys.

I have no need for the Korn purse, but that wall tapestry - BRILLIANT!

Grey Goose, two olives.    



6:32 PM

who has grey goose with olives??!
sucks about the mall, that happened in a town I lived in, the mall never recovered but they had great cheap sushi.    



7:54 PM

You had to cut through the mall to go knife shopping?

Were you in St. Charles? Do they still have the carousel in there?    



9:44 PM

Sparrow seems out of place.

Hyphen-nazi.    



10:24 PM

I must have that painting.

Seriously.

Duck vagina!    



1:19 AM

Sometime while I was living in Vegas, they tore down the Bashford Manor Mall here in Louisville. I remember going there as a child because they had these sunken pits in the middle of the mall for people to sit and watch TV while other members of their party shopped and ate at Arby's.

They smoked there, too. I remember sitting on a beat up old chair watching TV and feeling like a human cigarette butt in the world's largest ashtray.

There's a Super Wal-Mart there now.    



7:02 AM

Todd, you always have the most uplifting stories.

Duck vagina.    



8:23 AM

Lonely Robot - Nordstrom stores usually have a little lounge in them for just that purpose. On the Grey Goose, I'm a throwback, too. Bleu Cheese olives for me.

Kitty - the three things we nver talk about in polite company are religion, sex, politics, and drink condiments.

Ubie - Yes. We had to cut through the mall to avoid the zombie hordes. We armed each of the Sysmidgets with Nerf Machetes. Left the zombie smiting to me and the Sysmistress, but the kids got so much exercise from hacking and slashing that they took a good long nap when we got home. BTW: Yes, they still have the carousel. But the horses have gone syphilitic and there's a creepy van watching it.

Nick - I know what you mean. I could so totally see the rest of it happening, and then Johnny Depp comes in and ruins everything.

Tits - I'm horribly disappointed. My efforts to become the interweb's "duck vagina" nexus are proving fruitless. Whereas your Pong Bra story is still topping Buzz Feed. I need to hire a PR executive skilled in the dissemination of blog/duck/anatomy synergies. BTW: In checking my rankings, I inadvertently came across the definition for "duck butter". For the love of all that's holy, don't look it up. I warned you.

Todd - When I grew up, we had a store in the big indoor shopping mall called "The Alley", where everyone went to buy their drug paraphernalia. But my asshole town government caused the http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif I'm not shitting you.

Ubie - You've duck vagina tried duck vagina so duck vagina hard. But duck vagina it's duck vagina time duck vagina to duck vagina end duck vagina the duck vagina war.    



8:25 AM

Todd - Blogger is a filthy whore (see "duck butter"). It ate the link to the head shop case. But it's short enough (ahem) to fit in a comment.

http://supreme.justia.com/us/455/489/    



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