Stealing the Tits List format for this one:

1. What could be worse than "Bolton Swings Sinatra"?

How about "Strummin' with the Devil: The Southern Side of Van Halen - A Tribute Featuring David Lee Roth"

For some ungodly reason, I saw David Lee Roth perform "Jump" on the Jay Leno show (which I won't call "the Tonight Show" out of respect for Johnny Carson). Backed by a bluegrass band, that performed a sturdy, if unremarkably faithful to the unremarkable original, version of the song, Dave sported a Goldie Hawn-level overly pulled back lower teeth baring smile (rictus-like). And when he sang the "Might as well jump" line, the word "jump" was an extra half an octave higher than it should have been. Definitely out of his range. And definitely out of the key of the song.

At least Dave doesn't look like a Hillbilly.

2. Rock Over London, Rock On Chicago

I'm glad that Wesley Willis didn't have to endure the lack of imagination demonstrated by the Automotive industry's advertising agencies.

Toyota: Moving Forward
Nissan: Shift_(joy/convention/performance/originality/inspiration/passion)
Pontiac: More (Power/Thrill/Confidence/Awards/Desirability)
Ford: Bold Moves
Lincoln: Reach Higher
Mercury: New Doors Opened
Jaguar: Life by Gorgeous
Buick: Beyond Precision
Saturn: Like always. Like never before.
Lexus: Heightens all your senses. Including style.
Infiniti: Design transforms shape.

What the fuck? These all suck, no?


3. Ann Coulter - as Stupid as she is Vicious
I went to lunch today with the ever delightful B.A. One of our topics of conversation was the amount of hatred that pundits on the Right have, compared to those on the Left. Being Chicagoans, we had to compare it to White Sox fans' pathological hatred of Cubs fans, compared to Cubs fans good-natured disinterest in the White Sox. Ann Coulter on the Today show this morning, interviewed by Matt Lauer:

LAUER: On the 9-11 widows, an in particular a group that had been critical of the administration:

"These self-obsessed women seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if the terrorist attack only happened to them. They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony. Apparently, denouncing bush was part of the closure process." And this part is the part I really need to talk to you about: "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband’s death so much." Because they dare to speak out?

COULTER: To speak out using the fact they are widows. This is the left's doctrine of infallibility. If they have a point to make about the 9-11 commission, about how to fight the war on terrorism, how about sending in somebody we are allowed to respond to. No-No-No. We have to respond to someone who had a family member die. Because then if we respond, oh you are questioning their authenticity.

LAUER: So grieve but grieve quietly?

4. Lions don't believe in God.
From Reuters:

KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.
"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

The incident, Sunday evening when the zoo was packed with visitors, was the first of its kind at the attraction. Lions and tigers are kept in an "animal island" protected by thick concrete blocks.

5. Dinner with the Sysmidgets

SysmTwin (Henceforth referred to as "The Spaniard"): I'm a vegetarian
Me: How's your burger?
The Spaniard: Tasty
Me: I'm having Deja Vu.
The Spaniard: Is that contagious?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 06, 2006 at 11:37 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.